


Table Manners

by cruelest_month



Series: Eddie and The Joker [5]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Watchmen - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Bad Decisions, Crossover Pairings, M/M, Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-18
Updated: 2012-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:02:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruelest_month/pseuds/cruelest_month
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter who you are, dining with the Joker can be a trying experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Table Manners

Dinner usually means Eddie’s eating when the Joker happens to stop by. Nothing’s planned and Eddie hardly looks up from what he’s eating. He keeps nursing his beer, nodding in acknowledgment once he’s greeted and then that’s about it. After eying Eddie’s food hopefully and getting nowhere, the Joker raids the kitchen. Most nights he lucks out and finishes boiling noodles or steaming vegetables before Eddie’s done eating. 

If not, it’s never like Eddie’s wandered off too far seeing as it’s his damn apartment. After dinner he tends to kill a few beers and watch some television, but the boob tube’s gone downhill over the years. Only jack and shit’s ever on. The jokes aren’t funny and only fake people laugh at them. The married couples have no reason to stay together by the end of every episode and somehow they do. The single people have no reason not to go out back and shoot themselves and yet they keep on trucking. 

That night he’s not even halfway through his steak. Eddie’s still recovering from a shoulder wound. Some new bullet made of some new metal and it cut right through him. The damage left behind is a week or so away from healing completely. It hurts and it itches. The last thing he wants is company, but he doesn’t say anything. He hasn’t even mentioned being injured. It’s none of the Joker’s fucking business. 

There’s not much to eat. The Joker eventually finds a blue box and makes himself macaroni and cheese. For some reason, it actually looks good once he’s sitting there eating it. But when he tries taking some of it, he gets a fork in the back of his hand. 

Not a deep wound, but it fucking hurts. It surprises him. It shouldn’t, but it does. The worst part is he must have looked it because the Joker’s laughing at him.

“Ah, ah, ah. You didn’t make it,” the Joker points out smugly, “and you didn’t say please.”

Eddie eyes the wound angrily and then the blood dripping off of the Joker’s fork. Surprisingly, the other man primly wipes it off on a napkin before going back to eating. 

He pushes up from the table and the only reason he doesn’t break the other man’s jaw is the Joker would like that. He heads over to the threshold instead, going out into the living room.

“Hmm. Where are you going?”

“To take a piss,” Eddie snarls out. “If I come back to find all my food’s gone missing and you’re still here, I’m taking you to Arkham.”

Once he’s on his own, he wipes off his hand, bandages it, and wonders when the last time he got a tetanus shot was. He only heads back into the other room after using the john. The hell if Eddie’s leaving the bathroom without putting it to good use. 

He comes back to find a meager piece of flank steak sitting there on his plate and the Joker smirking.

“Poor choices of words,” the clown explains.

The Comedian finds himself smirking because it’s mildly amusing. It needs a little improvement though. He thinks it’s a heck of a lot funnier after he smacks the Joker upside the head and takes his bowl of mac and cheese. “Fuck you.”

The problem with hitting him is it doesn’t do much, but that doesn’t stop Eddie from finding it satisfying. It’s not like with other criminals or other people. Other people ask you to stop or tell you to leave them alone. They attack you first and tell you to hold back later on. Eddie doesn’t do anything he’s not prepared to deal with himself. If someone hits him first, he hits back harder. If someone comes at him with a weapon and doesn’t finish him off, he finishes them off. But there’s the difference of intentions. Eddie knows the Joker’s not actually out for much blood. Just a little bit. Just a hint. Just a taste.

The Joker dishes out whatever he can take and whatever happens to him comes as no surprise and he doesn’t mind. He knows it’ll be worse than whatever he’s done, but he’s not afraid. He doesn’t cringe. He just waits for it. He knows it’s dangerous and he knows it’ll get him killed someday but it’s like he’s counting on it. He’s not afraid because he knows the consequences and embraces them like old friends. 

After that, the greedy bastard sulks as Eddie sits back down across the table from him. They stare at each other for a while until the Joker shrugs. “That’s inevitable,” he drawls, handing over his fork and eying Eddie thoughtfully. 

He continues not to say much as he eats the noodles. The cheese isn’t really anything like cheese, but that’s all right. It could be sawdust and bolts and Eddie would eat it happily because originally it wasn’t his.

The Joker’s sensible in his own way. He just can’t handle rules or direct orders. If he’s given one, he is compelled to do the exact opposite. The thing is Eddie can’t resist setting him up. But that’s not a big deal to either one of them. 

What the Joker ultimately hates and resents more than anything else is being ignored. He can’t stand it and it makes him restless. 

A few seconds tick by slowly and Eddie’s finished up the bowl. He gets another beer out of the fridge and haphazardly tosses the bowl into the sink. The clatter’s muted because it lands on top of other dishes. It’s not that the apartment is dirty. It’s just very lived in and not very clean. The fuck if Eddie cares. 

The Joker drums his hands on the edge of the table. “Why are you so glum, chum?”

The Comedian snorts and takes a few deep gulps before setting the bottle down hard on the table. “Some asshole stuck a fork into my hand.”

The drumming stops and the Joker smirks, leaning across the table. “Oh dear. Tell me. What are you going to do to him?”

“Well,” Eddie says in a cheerful, conspiratorial tone, “I was thinking of throwing him out the window after this beer. Unless he manages to change my mind somehow.” He makes a show of looking at the clock up over the stove. “He’s got fifteen minutes.”

“That’s not very long,” the Joker replies, checking his pocket watch and shaking his head. Because it’s a game now. “I certainly hope he doesn’t disappoint.”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

He snaps it closed and tucks it back into his vest before shrugging. “While we’re waiting, would you like to see a magic trick?”

“Go ahead.”

The Joker pulls up his sleeves and makes a few grand gestures before picking up the sliver left on the neglected plate still sitting in front of Eddie. He pops it into his mouth and grins. “There. I just made your steak disappear.”

To his credit, Eddie tries not to laugh. This magic trick is just about the stupidest thing he’s ever seen, but he ends up chuckling briefly. Shaking his head, but it doesn’t do much to make his mirth any less genuine. 

“I think he still has thirteen minutes,” the Joker kindly points out.

“Looks like it. I think I might let him off the hook.”

He laughs then, and pats Eddie’s uninjured hand before getting up. “How generous.”

“That’s just how I am,” Eddie says with a shrug, swallowing more beer before getting to his feet. “You wanna watch TV?”

“Only if there’s cartoons.”

Of course. Never mind that the shitty shows the Joker likes are just about Eddie’s least favorite thing in the world to watch. “You little shit,” he mutters, but he can’t help sounding a bit affectionate as he tosses the other plate in with all the other dishes. “Fine, we can watch cartoons.”

“I think I can make it worth your while.”

“How do you figure?”

The Joker grins before sitting down on the arm of the couch so that he can lean on Eddie once the other man sits down. “Oh, the usual way. Like I said earlier, Eddie… Some things are inevitable.”


End file.
